“… each according to his ability.” – Matthew 25:15b

Gifted. “A gifted Indonesian”, my friend said. I began to zoom into a quest of deep searching “what is so gifted about me?” Talking about gift, as the word implies, it doesn’t point to me as the source, but the Giver as the source. As Spiritual Gifts are given to those believe in the Lord, the tribute and glory have to be attributed to dear Lord alone.

I did a spiritual gift test with a deep curiosity to discover what gift or perhaps gifts exactly He has trusted me. After filling the unending questionnaires, I realized that my score is pretty high (may be too much) compared to others. Maybe I have an overly high self-esteem, or perhaps God has really trusted me more and more upon my growth in Him. The second argument is one that I can’t say “no” seeing how true He has been to my life. He’s giving me more and more, as I seek His heart.

I could not identify a pattern in my spiritual gifts. The top 3 fall into different categories, which are serving, leading, and teaching. What I realize is that God has trusted me so much in various ways. And of course, I know that to the “five talents” that He has trusted me, I need to be held accountable especially for Him and His work.

I broke my heart, as I realize how fall short I have been in utilizing His big trust to me. Grant me wisdom in using whatever is from You for You alone. This heart of servant still belongs to You alone.

“The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me” – Psalm 138:8

I am strongly reminded, that He, God Himself, who calls me and will fulfill His purpose for me. It’s not by my own strength, wisdom, and intellectual, I should find ways to accomplish it.

At times, we are trapped into a mentality of “He who fails to plan, plans to fail”. Yes, it’s important to plan. Yet, often we are too preoccupied and anxious to plan to reach the destination that we think is right. Slowly our destination is distorted. Not the thing (not even our calling) that we are called to accomplish is the destination, but GOD Himself is our ultimate destination. How can one reach there by planning on his own without God, whose only power can enable us to reach that?

I realize that fulfilling His call in my life is not a solo-fighter attempt. But my mighty God and me! Often I’m exhausted of finding way to walk there, why? I forgot that His presence will go a step ahead of me and He will preserve my ways, provided I stay tuned with Him, not by myself and not by other strong people or connection we are linked to.

“At this point the person stops imagining castles in the sky, and pursuing foolish ideas, and his reasoning becomes calm and relaxed, with all choices removed, because the only choice has now become the purpose of God. Also, his emotions are weaned away from other people and things, becoming deadened so that nothing can hurt, offend, hinder, or get in his way. He can now let the circumstances be what they may, and continue to seek only God and His will, with the calm assurance that He is causing everything in the universe, whether good or bad, past or present, to work “for the good of those who love him” (Rom. 8:28)

Oh, the blessings of absolute submission to Christ! What a blessing to lose our own strength, wisdom, plans, and desires and to be where every ounce of our being becomes like a peaceful Sea of Galilee under the omnipotent feet of Jesus!

from Soul Food (taken from “Streams in the Dessert”)

I thought that I’m a fool by losing ability and will to maneuver my life ‘cos i have all my choices removed, then I realize ..  that kind of thought itself is a foolishness! I’m not foolish ‘cos I have my absolute submission to One who controls the universe!

At this point of time, I’m fully in awe and in love with my Creator. Beautiful encounter in the morning.

]]> http://stupiddynalearns.wordpress.com/2011/09/10/his-purpose-for-me/feed/ 0 dynashonata Esplanade | Singapore http://stupiddynalearns.wordpress.com/2011/09/09/400/ http://stupiddynalearns.wordpress.com/2011/09/09/400/#comments Fri, 09 Sep 2011 08:57:15 +0000 dynashonata http://stupiddynalearns.wordpress.com/?p=400 ]]> I’m stunned listening to this song. Maneuvering my floating wants back to my Creator.

What if all the world’s pleasures are not portion? ‘Cos it can’t satisfy the greater thirst within me.

How many times I must remind myself if this life isn’t for me?

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel you near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if each promise from Your Word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win, we know
That pain reminds this hearts,
That this is not, this is not our home…

What if my greatest disappointments,
Or the aching of this life,
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy.
What if trials of this life,
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise?

]]> http://stupiddynalearns.wordpress.com/2011/09/09/400/feed/ 0 dynashonata http://stupiddynalearns.wordpress.com/2011/07/22/stream-in-the-desert/ http://stupiddynalearns.wordpress.com/2011/07/22/stream-in-the-desert/#comments Fri, 22 Jul 2011 10:59:47 +0000 dynashonata http://stupiddynalearns.wordpress.com/?p=395 ]]>

When God is near, but how when you don’t feel that He is?

I experienced a spiritual dryness in the beginning of my placement in Taiwan. The fellowship that I had twice a week, now gone, I mean totally. The services I attended were in Chinese or Bunun language, how I was deprived out of so sudden from spiritual nourishment. I lost the ability to worship God in the presence of a church, ‘cos I can’t read that complex Chinese characters. Obviously, I had no service schedule on going. A tremendous deprivation from the rich promised land to a dry desert.

Not long after all these, I know that this was not well with my soul. God seemed so far. I lost the ability to pray, nearly not knowing what was it for and difference it could make. I missed the joy til I could not sing Him praises and worship. Even my devotional book, “Stream in the Desert”, did not even reach a sufficient line for my necessary intake. Word of God became so dry in my view and truthfully I had no appetite to ‘consume’ it.

My analytical and reflective self forced me to question my calling and if I was up to for it. I doubt. Catching up with new culture, new people, new hygiene standards (oh yes, this is important for me! Especially when circumstances don’t support my normal standard), and of course new spiritual intake. If only this has shaken me, how can I survive alone in His field?

However, I’m always reminded that His presence is never dependent on what I am feeling. Within this frustrated self, there was a force that slowly but steadily pushed me to draw close to Him. Near to Him.

To be continued

When God is near

“Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves.” – Matthew 14:19

Saying grace or prayer of thanksgiving before eating is one of Christian ‘rituals’. Yet, a Christian friend in Singapore, who is an activist in church, once admitted that he often skipped this, especially in the presence of unbelievers. Why? You have to excuse yourself in the midst of hot conversation, or withstand a solitary moment with God in the midst of noise or stares by surrounding.

There was once I prayed before eating in front of a Vietnamese friend, who was perhaps an atheist. She asked, “Why you always look so sad over the food before you eat?” I was about burst into laugher, but gently I said, “I prayed”. She must be thinking that I pondered about the chicken that died for me to eat, or something. But, look, saying grace is an opportunity to testify your faith! Even though you might be mistaken by taking an awkward silence before the non-believers.

Saying grace together before a meal is one of the sweetest things I found here, among the Bunun people. As eating was often done collectively, a person will lead in prayer (regardless you are a Catholic or Christian, young or old, male or female). What impresses me is the prayer (in Bunun language mostly). I don’t understand, except that they address Father as ‘Tama’. But, it’s not short and simple as what I normally do! I sense depth in it!

Once, I listened to an old grandpa prayer in Chinese. He gave thanks for God’s blessing, God’s protection, and God’s goodness to the family. It makes me count my blessings! Yes, the prayer is not only about food, my dear, but GOD! Have we often forgotten?

Most of them can pray beautifully, though I might not understand. But I’ve seen their earnestness that is much more deeper than many church activists and myself through this prayer. Even those who you think are spiritually shallow (based on their acts of life, perhaps) seriously can pray beautifully. I think that there is something we have missed out as Christians. The beauty of simple prayer presented to God, even through a prayer before a meal. Too busy to count our blessings (but never be too busy to count your pays and tasks)?

The measure of a Christian is not in the height of his grasp but in the depth of his love. - Clarence Jordan -

 

to be continued

A question that consistently rang in my heart during my first week in Taiwan.

I stayed in a DiLi village, Taiwan, with Bunun Aboriginal people (Better background story: http://faith-hope-love-trifozza.blogspot.com/2011/07/new-simple-living-at-taiwan-part-1.html) . Most of them are Christians and Catholics. What a delight, “it’s easy to find church!” I thought. Journey wasn’t that smooth. Slowly I realize that proclaiming Christian identity is always easier than practice it. As I walked my days, I encounter many points where Scripture and reality really meet and often clash.

1. “You must be born again” –John 3:7

Though many are Christians or Catholics, it doesn’t take me too long to discover that many have not been born again. Little visible transformation was seen. Worse, the Scripture’s sayings were often defeated by conformity and cultures.

Many still fall into addiction/habit of alcohol, nicotine, gambling, or as strange as a food called pin lang. Many can easily telling you what is your faith but not going to church. Task or busy-ness are often easy trade-offs for not going to church.

I am reminded on Rev. Andreas Abdianto’s quote that he likes to repeat:

“Sakit tidak sakit, harus ke gereja kecuali sakit keras. Hujan tidak hujan, harus ke gereja kecuali hujan batu.”

Meaning: Whether ill or not, must go to church unless fatally ill. Whether rain or not, must go to church unless stone rain.

Bin Lang a.k.a Betel Nut

Of course, these are problems of Christians everywhere. But for a Christian/Catholic village, this is more severe especially when pronouncing identity comes so easily. What is a different of you being a believer than the world then?

2. Conformity to the World

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. – Romans 12:2 -

Setting a clear boundary is hard and often ambiguous. I did face this problem. When mind, heart, and faith mixed their thoughts in making a line for self. Not forgetting external pressure and influence that often alter your positioning. I’m afraid to fall into compromising God’s command. Ambiguity in knowing what His stand often puts me in all-wrong position before the Lord. It feels terrible.

For instance, alcohol consumption. I don’t normally drink alcohol and don’t like it. Often the offers are so pushy in the name of ‘courtesy‘. I wonder if acceptance means being courteous or conformity to the world. I do keep Ephesians  5:18 in mind, “Do not get drunk on wine”.  Is that the boundary? Your limit is until you are not drunk? It seems not.

“Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise.” – Proverbs 20:1

I tried to discern the key points. Is that alright as long as you are not ‘led astray’? Not controlled by the alcohol? It also seems dissatisfying. Or perhaps it highlights the intention in consuming matters?

I will leave this questions blank, so I won’t fall into self-justification even though with an use of Bible verses. A preacher told me, “Don’t drink, not even a little”. I agree that is the way I should be, remain pure and blameless even in the grey zone. But the reality at times harder than it seems. And I feel guilty for committing any actions in the grey zone, even if I might be right. Discernment and sensitivity to Him needed.

to be continued..

I grew up picking up more Indonesian than Chinese. I agreed to a writing that used ‘Chinese Indonesian’ rather than the usual ‘Indonesian Chinese’. Indonesian is my nationality so ‘Chinese Indonesian’ is more appropriate! I am an Indonesian though my outlook clearly tells otherwise. Yes, I love a country and culture whose native people might not regard me as a part of them ‘cos my ethnicity & religion often causes a gap.

But I realize that being made as a Chinese, I slowly forgot embracing this blood that God has designed in me. I spoke bad Hokkien and Chinese language, knew little Chinese culture nor like it, love Indo and western art but not Chinese. Maybe this obedience to my Dad’s command is a path to stir me back to my root.

I prayed that my applications for job especially for tourism-related job were accepted. My heart asked Him to bring me nearer to His call wherever I go. Weeks passed by, no employers were interested in me perhaps giving no news. Pessimism plus packed routine and pressing time made me thinking to accept ‘anything’ that came to me.

First news was on a teaching job at a primary. I knew that teaching was not my heart desire, but plainly act-interested. “Who knows God’s will?” I thought.

Few weeks after that I was flooded by employers’ reply. I was ecstatic that some of them were tourism related. Could not wait to get back home and reply their request for interviews! At home, I received an acceptance letter (without interview) for a tourism job to promote tourism for a tribe at Taiwan. My happiness was unbearable, this is a cross section between my 2 heart desires. What an answered prayer from the Lord!

Delayed answers to prayer are not only trials of faith; they also give us opportunities to honor God through our steadfast confidence in Him even when facing the apparent denial of our request. – Charles H. Spurgeon -

The process wasn’t smooth. The letter was postponed 3 times. My waiting times was annoying. Besides it was pretty far from my planned departure date, it was so hard to discern God’s will to do nothing or do something and when. This whole delay affected my post-trip plan. My plans were messed up and unpredictable. Many found me impatience. My sudden decision to return to Indonesia upon waiting was deemed ‘slightly reckless’ by others. Seeking God’s will was not always easy, Peace was not always instantly felt, but I am gratefully said that my decision was right to be back to Indonesia. He has another agenda for me to accomplish down there in around a week.

As I returned back to Spore, I thank the Lord for a very smooth progress. No heart-shock now, haha! Today I am leaving to Taiwan! I am excited to see what God wants me to accomplish down there. All is done beautifully in His time.

” I cry out to God Most High,to God, who fulfills his purpose for me.”

Psalm 57:2

Obviously I was so excited and surprised seeing a girl that I knew once so small has grown big! I repeated this habit every time I saw her when I was in Pekanbaru. She ran towards her mother and shyly whispered something, as if gossiping about me. I asked the Mom whom I knew, “What did she said, Mam?”

The Mom answered, “She said, that is the Lao Se (teacher) that taught me Bible story in school.” I was given a chance to tell Bible story at school service to Primary 1 and 2 in Pekanbaru. I didn’t realize that she was there.

I smiled shyly, you know who the Mom is? My Sunday School teacher.

My faith was too small to sing this song. I had little courage and ability to utter the lyric. Because what I see is otherwise.

A generation that lacks of hunger and thirst of the Lord. A generation that talks and forgets promises without execution. A generation that uses mind without heart. A generation that acts without wisdom. A generation that is full of selfishness and self-interest. A generation whose commitment can be easily shaken and distorted. A generation that is ruled by system and self-calculation rather than fear and will of God.

Oh well, the generation I refer isn’t everyone, but Christians. Yes, including myself.

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see” -Hebrew 11:1

I know my sight is limited. I’m concluded and burdened by my own finite perspective. God isn’t sleeping, He must have been stirring up something somewhere. Yet, I earnestly pray and hope that God proves me wrong. Also, grows my faith and trust in Him, ‘cos He knows what He is doing.

Such a grace, to have a joyful heart to face the day. I remembered Matthew Henry’s writing, as I prepared my teaching for Sunday School, “On the Road to Emmaus”, last week. He said such:

Christ’s disciples are often sad and sorrowful, even when they have reason to rejoice; but through the weakness of their faith, they cannot take the comfort offered to them.

What a waste, isn’t it? I agree on why Apostle Paul emphasize so much to “rejoice”, as it can break or make your day.

“How different their lives would be, and how much more joyful , if they would stop indulging in self-centered and inward thinking, and instead would daily lift their experiences to God, praising Him for them.” – Streams in the Desert.

I believe the putting “Shonata” on my name isn’t an mere random accident. Shonata – improvisation of “Sonata”, a music piece. So my life shall be a beautiful song to my Master. Even though my tunes are not always perfect and often broken, I let the Maestro to correct, cancel, or trash my self-notes. So at last, it can be a beautiful and sweet song in Thy ears, as I ended my life.

“And what does the Lord require of you?

To act justly and to love mercy

and to walk humbly with your God.” – Micah 6:8